Let me preface this by saying I ADORE MY BABIES. I just like to laugh at the lighter (and darker) side.

 

Okay ladies here’s the deal:

You must collect at least 20 out of the 25 facts to be granted entry into the

‘OH MY FREAKING GOD I AM A MUM’ Hall of Fame.

Prestigious stuff ladies, prestigious stuff.

1. You feel overwhelming RELIEF at your baby’s arrival. Of course there’s love too. But the relief! The gruesome and bloody murder is over. He is here, in all of his perfection.

2. You don’t even want to know what is going on down there but yes please you’ll take whatever drugs they’ll give you.

3. You adopt a new walking style best described as ‘maimed duck waddling’.

4. You quickly realise that you did not buy enough maternity pads. Emergency phone call to mother/sister/best friend.

5. Each trip to the toilet is Bear Grylls like. It’s about survival. And a lot of ice-packs. You sit so far forward you could kiss the toilet door.

6. You can say with complete certainty that you will NEVER participate in marital relations again.

7. You survive the ‘Night Two Feeding Frenzy’ and a thundering realisation sets in that you have been entrusted with this real live baby FOREVER. You are now one of those adultier adults. You ARE the back up. This terrifies you.

8. Day Three leaves you feeling excited and in control. Baby is sleepy and you are smitten. You really have created perfection.

9. On Day Four you remember that actually you HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE DOING and on top of that YOU ARE REALLY TIRED and on top of that THE ‘ORMONES! Tears. Lots of tears.

10. You drive home from hospital at 30kph. Old ladies, tractors and ride-on lawn mowers are backed up behind you.

11. When you’re lying down you are amazed at how well your stomach is deflating. Then you stand up.

12. You wash your hair in the shower but then can’t remember if you actually did wash it because you were thinking about which breast to start with next time. You wash your hair again.

13. Your diet consists primarily of chocolate, donated lasagne and stool softeners.

14. Your partner makes a clanging noise while removing a fork from the cutlery drawer. You turn on him like a rabid fox terrier ‘AREYOUTRYINGTOKILLME…THEBABYISSLEEPING…EATWITHYOURFINGERSFORGODSSAKE!!!!’

15. You cannot quench your thirst. You drink lots of water and coffee. But not too much coffee because you’re nervous it will keep the baby awake.

16. Gas comes snorting out of your bottom before your stretched sphincter can stop it. Any time, any place. This is best viewed as the aftershock of labour.

17. Your partner does a 3am drive to Maccas in an attempt to put your earthling to sleep. Clothing attire is either jocks or jocks and t-shirt depending on the time of year.

18. At around 6pm most nights you get a tiny nagging feeling of homesickness…homesick for what? Your old life maybe? Who knows!

19. Your couch, windscreen, partner’s shirt, baby’s eye – all cop the spray of your Niagara like breasts. For your own safety, stay behind the yellow line please people.

20. You break all of your own ‘parenting rules’ within the first week. You co-sleep with your baby, dummy shoved in their mouth, after feeding them to sleep. You realise you had no idea. You know you still don’t.

21. You put a super cute beanie on your baby’s head then trot off for a walk all chuffed and ‘I’ve got this’ like. You check later and realise half your baby’s face is covered by said beanie. But it’s okay because baby is still breathing. Remember that you actually ‘don’t got this’.

22. You can count your total hours of sleep on one hand. You make a decision to stop counting hours of sleep.

23. You find yourself rocking the baby even when you’re not holding it, particularly in the shower. You rock the shopping trolley too.

24. Your mum visits you. You start crying.

25. You now understand what Elizabeth Stone meant when she said ‘Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.’

You wouldn’t have it any other way.

Eliza xx