When you’ve got a baby who is a crap sleeper it’s easy to question yourself as a mother. What the freck am I doing wrong? Why is that 8 week old sleeping through the night when my 6-month-old (or older) still wakes multiple times? It can really put you off your mum-game – if that is, you ever felt on it.

But the thing is, your mothering is not defined by how well your baby sleeps. You are not a better mother if your baby sleeps through the night, and you are not a better mother if you co-sleep with a baby permanently attached to your nipple. It makes no difference.

We all mother to the beat of our own drum, following the tune of our own baby.

My first born was a top of the class sleeper from about five months, 7pm-7am, nothing would interrupt his slumber. Prior to that he was pretty woeful, but once he clicked there was no turning back. He would pump out his 12 hours regardless of teething, illness, or a loud bang in the night. And I thought I was a freakin’ parenting Goddess (that’s a total lie, but I did think I had the sleep thing down pat).

Baby number two, by comparison, is a complete lemon when it comes to sleeping at night time. Bottom of the class. Wooden spoon recipient.

In terms of sleep cues I have treated them both the same. I am not naturally a co-sleeping type of person, so from the very early days they were both taught to self-settle without the use of sleep aids (no rocking, patting, feeding to sleep).  They both sleep in their own cots without dummies and I don’t rush straight to them at the slightest grizzle. If we were to examine parenting styles, I would probably align myself to the more ‘right wing’ routine style, no doubt due to the teacher in me. I loosely follow ‘the rules’.

So basically the same mothering style but with very different outcomes.

Why?

For us, the difference is in their temperament.

Our beloved Bobby was born a cantankerous old man who needed his space right from the get go. He would cry whether he was rocked in our arms or put down to sleep in his cot. He was an independent sleeper who didn’t like mucking around with any of that cuddling rubbish.

Sid, on the other hand, is a snuggly little koala who just wants to be nestled up on my chest. He would happily live like a joey in my cesarean pouch if I could only unstitch the scar for him. I definitely tread more softly with Sid because he needs me to, I can feel it. And I’m more comfortable with sleep deprivation second time around, so I do bend the rules a little.

Of course the result is, I’m f%*king tired.

Surprisingly though, and despite my often dog-tired exhaustion, I don’t really want to change much. Yes I would like more sleep, I won’t lie about it, it’s bloody draining. But for the most part, in my own little wanky-spiritual way, I just feel kind of blessed to be getting to know two very different souls. I see how things ebb and flow with the oldest, who despite having ‘strong leadership qualities’, is now far more likely to seek out the reassurance of our cuddles. And I know life will be a series of transitions for each of them, as it is with all of us. Soon enough this phase will be over and we’ll be on to the next one. I won’t say I’ll be sad to get more sleep but I will be sad to say goodbye to the snuggly koala cuddles.

We all have our own little struggles on the journey of early parenthood. Some mothers find the newborn stage a period of pure joy, while others find it completely overwhelming. Some mothers absolutely love staying at home with a baby, while others find the isolation crippling. Some mothers love the anarchy and chaos of a bustling household, while others just want to regain some peace and order.

I guess the point of this piece is just to reassure those mothers out there, who are going through the struggle of sleep deprivation and feeling off their mum-game, that you’re doing an amazing job – whether your baby sleeps the 12 hours or not. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, have a little meltdown if you need to, take help when it’s offered, and then pick yourself up and keep swimming (to a sleep school if needed ha ha!)

When people ask me if Sid is a ‘good’ baby, I just laugh and say, ‘No he’s a total lemon, but we love him anyway.’

Eliza xx