Let me start by clarifying. I’m not talking about the AMOUNT we love each child, I’m talking about THE WAY we love each child.

Love is not a measurable entity, we know that. It’s not tangible. It’s a feeling. We can compare it in a rough ‘I love my kids more than my dog’ sort of way, but ultimately it’s something that’s just there – in big foggy volumes – bonding us to those we hold dearest. Without question I love both of my young sons with equal passion and ferocity. They each have a wax seal burned into my heart that will smoulder there forever. I feel it all of the time. It burns deeper at the slightest worry.

My parenthood journey is only really beginning. I have so much to learn, feel and experience yet, which is both exciting and terrifying to me. Something I am noticing though, and I wonder if this is normal, is that my sense of love for each of them is somewhat different.

Our first son is two-year-old Bobby, a fire-cracker from birth who has always known his own mind. We yearned for him and he took his time to arrive. He is either belly-shakingly happy or downright grumpy, with very little in between. He is loud, dramatic and physical. He is just how I pictured our child to be: blonde and chubby, with Ash’s eyebrows and my fat cheeks. My love for him is fierce.

Then we have Sid, our almost-6-month-old baby, who has been quieter from the start. Even when he was in my tummy he was subtle, didn’t cause too much fuss. He came without much planning, and I feel like I’ve loved him since before I even knew he was there. He lets us know when he’s not happy but is easily placated. Compared to Bobby, he has been more ‘babyish’ in every sense. My love for him is easy.

Now I know they are incredibly young. I know they will change hugely over the coming years, particularly little baby Sid who we discover more about every day. But that’s how I would describe my love for them at this moment, fierce for Bobby and easy for Sid.

Is that okay do you think? Do other people feel like they can describe the love they have for each child with one descriptive word?

There are so many factors at play. Order of birth, temperament, personality, looks, gender, abilities, interests, parental experience.

Being first born, I wonder if my fierce love for Bobby is to do with the fact that we are learning with him. He is our trial baby. The one we make our mistakes on. It’s the blind leading the blind so any bump in the road makes us worry. Is this normal? Do we need to get a referral? What the heck is this bum shuffling caper he’s doing? Should we have tried harder with tummy time? Will this impact on him later down the track? That sort of thing. It’s our first experience of having our heart go walking around outside of our body. It’s equal parts terrifying and incredible.

Or it might be that his personality is strong. When he arrives people know about it, in fact he actually tells them “Bobby’s here” like he’s Muhammad Ali walking in for his next fight, and sometimes he behaves like that too. He could smother a kid with his head-lock-like hugs. So perhaps what I’m describing when I talk about my love for him is actually just his personality, because he is fierce.

In contrast, Sid’s temperament is generally relaxed. He takes in new surroundings and is quick to smile. He is physically different to any baby I expected us to make, but then I don’t suppose anyone really expects to give birth to their Dad’s head do they? He is quiet but I can tell he is determined. Loving him has been easy from the start. Unlike with our first born, I don’t have that cloud of anxiety hanging over me. I know his crap sleeping habits will eventually get better. I know he will go through a thousand little baby phases on his way to toddlerhood and a thousand more as he becomes a child. I’m relaxed about that. So my love for him is easy.

I love how different they are. I watch them together with wonder and still cannot believe we created them. I can’t wait to see how my love for them will evolve, and it will be interesting to see if my description of them still marries up in 5 years time, 10 years time and into the teen years. I wonder if their little personalities are already set. I wonder how I would feel if one of them were a girl? I wonder how things would change if God forbid one of them were seriously ill? Or if they experienced some sort of disability or hardship?

I am realising as I read this back over that I don’t really have a point, except to blurt out something that has been on my mind. And I guess I’m just interested to know if other people have had similar thoughts. Do the personalities of your children impact on the way you feel your love? Do you experience love differently with daughters and sons? Is there something that has happened that has impacted the way you feel about each of your children?

It’s a very personal thing so I don’t expect people to share too much. But it is an interesting thing to think about isn’t it?

Eliza xx