I finished reading the book ‘9 Ways to a Resilient Child’ by Justin Coulson yesterday, while monitoring the toddler’s use of tools in ‘his work shed’, which is of course Ash’s shed, which is of course a tribute to Ash’s love of order. Unfortunately I didn’t hear the toddler open the paint tin but I did check him just in time to stop the roller hitting the floors so that was a win. I’m pretty sure he’s the only kid who not only likes Hoopla Doopla but actually wants to be Bop, the balding, middle-aged mechanic who bungs up most things he tries to fix. Anyway, that’s not the point.

The book is good, I’m nerdy by nature but given it’s also relevant to my job I thought I’d give it a read. The information was plentiful and would be particularly relevant to school age children, though I did at times feel that we might need a degree in physics if we are to get the balance between good praise and bad praise right (can’t we just tell our kids they did ‘good’ sometimes?).  I liked reading about the different protective factors and how I might be able to build them at home and at school. Author Justin Coulson has himself six children and dedicates his book to them with, ‘When life puts you in a tight spot, don’t ask. ‘Why me?’ instead, stand tall and say ‘Try me!’ 

The part that really spoke to me though, was right at the end of the book, where Coulson writes about ‘strength-based parenting’, which is all about identifying each child’s strengths and then providing opportunities for them to develop and utilise those strengths as a way to build their resilience. The list of possible strengths a person could have is almost endless, but Coulson suggests they can be divided into two main groups: character strengths and performance-based strengths. Performance-based strengths are those we can do, such as sport, music, art etc. whereas character strengths are more to do with how we function, such as creativity, bravery, humanity, appreciation of beauty, forgiveness, a healthy competitive streak.

Coulson writes, ‘Days become drudgery when we do not use our strengths.’

Man, that is so true.

When I read those words I felt a warmth in my chest. I actually thought of myself and not my kids (oops). I thought of parenthood and how the slow days can sometimes feel like drudgery, even though I know how precious they are. Coulson’s statement makes a lot of sense to me, because after years of working in a particular field, developing my strengths, honing my skills, always problem solving, always on my toes, I found the slowness and sameness of everyday mothering a difficult transition. I didn’t know how to apply my strengths to my new role. Sure I could put my love and compassion to good use with a baby, but what about my curiosity, my socialability, my sense of humour, my teaching, my thirst for learning. Was I supposed to just down those tools and pack up for an indefinite period?

I felt the drudgery. I still feel it sometimes, like this morning after sweeping the floors only to have the bigger toddler walk through the house in his crusted-muddy gumboots. The smaller toddler then made a  snow angel in the resulting pile of dirt. I usually see the funny side in that sort of thing, but today it was nearly the straw that broke the camel’s back, I thought I might scream. I still sometimes find myself sitting on the outskirts of social situations, not physically but in terms of connectedness and contribution. Who am I now and what do I have to offer? 

We are all evolving. With every new experience we go through, book we read, argument we have, lesson we learn, we change a little. Sometimes we want to, sometimes we don’t, but life will never stop to ask if it’s okay, it just keeps on going, which makes resilience so important. 

Reading this book has made me question my own resilience. People often say ‘You do so many great things with your kids!’, which is lovely, but the truth is, I do those things with my kids because they feed my strengths and stop me getting bored.  I like being creative, so I find arty things that both the kids and I will enjoy (I’m talking once a week, we really don’t do that much). I love reading so we spend a lot of time with books. I like ‘green time’ so we go on lots of walks and river adventures. But the thing I love most of all is writing, and that is something that is very, very difficult to do when you have small children. Writing is actually not something I am amazing at, I don’t have an enormous vocabulary of ‘writer’ words, but it is therapeutic to me. Some of it I share on here, lots of it will never be shared with anyone, it’s just scribbles and ideas. My need to fulfil that part of me is so strong that sometimes I get up at 5.30 in the morning just so I can be alone with my thoughts. Nurturing my writing strength helps me to get the most out of my days, just as someone else might nurture their sporting strength, or music strength or organising strength. 

Reading ‘9 Ways to a Resilient Child’ also made me reflect on the kids I have taught who are disengaged and apathetic toward their learning. The ones who don’t care anymore. The ones who think the task will be too hard before they have even heard the instructions. The ones that find school a drudgery, despite their teachers working and worrying themselves into the ground, trying to open that door of learning for them.
Are these kids under the impression that they have no strengths? Have they been given that message enough times that it has stuck? That’s something I’m pondering at the moment.

And as for my own kids, they are already showing signs of quite different temperaments and interests, which will unveil themselves as strengths the more they grow. The challenge then, I’m sure, will be supporting each child’s strengths without devaluing the abilities of the other. And, encouraging their individual strengths without overplaying them at the cost of other areas.

It’s all very interesting to me.

Have you ever thought about your strengths and whether they are being fulfilled in the job you do, or do you fulfill them outside of work? Do your kids have very different strengths? 

Eliza xx

  Washing is hanging on line as a fine example of drudgery ha ha!