Being a parent is important work. I have always known that. Before having my own children though, I had no idea just how much was involved – the worry, the love, the sacrifices, the money, the joy (so much joy!) – there is nothing that can prepare you. I was accustomed to a Monday to Friday job – a bit of planning and correction out of hours – but holidays, sick leave, and lunch breaks all part of the deal. I was accountable to my boss, responsible for my students, and supported by my colleagues. It was hard work, but wonderful.
Then I became a mother and my world was flipped upside down and spun around ten times. ‘What is this?’ I remember thinking, ‘Why is everyone so happy for me?’ I couldn’t believe people had been surviving this thing called parenthood since the dawn of time, not only surviving it, enjoying it! I was tired, sore, overwhelmed and homesick for my old life. Yes I loved my little boy, I was fiercely protective of him from the get go, but there was no immediate lusty connection or feeling that I’d ‘known him forever’. He was foreign and alien to me. The strongest love I would ever know was coming, but not in those early days.
During my pregnancy, many people warmly commented that I would make a great mum, a lovely comment that only heightened my anxiety of looking like I had no idea – because, I HAD NO IDEA. I remember some work friends coming to visit me in hospital when my son was about two days old, he clearly needed a nappy change but I was too frightened to change him in front of them lest I do it wrong. What would they think of me! One of my friends, Shirley, must’ve noticed my jitteriness because she took it upon herself to change him for me, while I sat back relieved that my hopelessness wouldn’t be found out just yet.
All I could think of was sleep and how little we were getting. Putting a dummy in his mouth was about as soothing to him as poking him with hot coals, so I hardly left the house for three weeks for fear of not being able to calm him down when he inevitably went wild. I looked at other first time mothers in awe as they appeared at social functions mere days after their baby’s arrival. What was I doing wrong? When would it get easier?
I wasn’t depressed, I say that not because I’d be ashamed if I was, but because I don’t want to diminish the struggle of those going through real depression. I wasn’t facing a mental illness, I was struggling to adjust to what is one of life’s biggest transitions. A struggle I now realise is fairly common, particularly in women who have left a career to stay at home with their baby.
Long days alone without any adult company, no deadlines to meet or co-workers to debrief with, intellectual stimulation gone, adjusting to putting someone else’s needs before my own, and being physically tortured with sleep deprivation. Combine that with the overwhelming desire to do this career-of-love right, to give my baby the very, very best life I could – well for me it was the perfect emotional storm.
Thankfully, through the wonder that is family and friends, people who I’m sure have little understanding of their impact on me, I was able to keep paddling along until I found the dry land of Nobody Really Knows If They’re Doing It Right So Just Trust Yourself And Go With It (the island has a long name but it’s a fantastic place to live). I started to relax into motherhood and enjoyed the time with my baby much more. I still had days where the sound of my partner’s car pulling in the drive would trigger an outburst of tears and his hands would barely touch the doorknob before they were filled with a crying baby (or a crying partner). But those days got further apart as I started getting out more, connecting with friends, going to playgroups and after about 8 months, going back to part time work. It was at that time when I really found my mum groove, when I was able to combine my role as carer with my role of work outside the home.
I found my mum groove so much that we went ahead and had another baby 20 months after our first, and gee whiz the love feels came strong with that one. There was definitely some anxiety about how I would cope with two, but I also knew the wonder and joy that a child brings. It’s a love that will always, always trump the hard parts of parenthood, and I knew that if I could do it once then I could do it again.
So here I am with two babies now, still trying to follow my nose, worrying about silly things, doing my best to nurture their little souls. We have good days and bad days, hellish minutes and blissful minutes. There are times when I feel confident, and just as many times when I doubt myself. Mostly though, I feel the incredible privilege of being their mum, of getting to watch them grow up together and find their place in the world.
It’s when I think of the future, when their little problems will become bigger problems, ones that we can’t fix with a cuddle and a kiss, that I realise how important the role of parenting is to our society.
Parenting, to my eyes now, is about as important a job as there is, and I can’t help feeling like our society is undervaluing it. I know I did. We are responsible for churning out the next generation. We are responsible for the children filling our kinders and schools, for the teenagers figuring themselves out, for the adults who will start careers in jobs that possibly don’t even exist yet.
That’s a huge responsibility. No wonder it’s hard, important work often is.
The vast majority of us want to raise our children so that they are happy, productive members of society. We want them to soak up learning opportunities, embrace different people and experiences and interact positively with their peers. We don’t want them to struggle. We want the best world for them, and we want them to bring their best to the world.
We worry about how they’re developing, how we’re disciplining them, if they’re spending too much time on technology, if they’re eating the right foods.
We want to get to know their friends and support them to make positive choices. We want to be the guiding light that they will always turn to when they’re lost. It’s an endless pouring of worry and love, and just about all of us give as much as we’ve got (the ones that don’t maybe didn’t get the parenting they needed themselves).
Being fairly close to the starting line as I am, can be a scary place. I don’t know how the decisions I make now will affect them in their future. I don’t know what kind of people they will grow up to be, whether they will be fulfilled or happy (my biggest goals).
I guess all I’m trying to say is, the role of parenting is crucial. If we diminish the importance of nurturing our children, by valuing outside work ahead of that at home, then we’ll be sending a generation of children into the world who are worse off than those who came before. Whether you are with your children all of the time, or break your time up with work away from the home – being a carer, raising the next generation, it’s important work.
You are important.
The label ‘Stay At Home Mum’ doesn’t sit well with me, it doesn’t seem to embody the enormous job that being the ‘lead parent’ is.
We need something way gutsier, like Chief Executive of Parenting Operations!
Haha just joking, Mum will do just fine.
Eliza xx
podgy hodgy 