Disciplining your child is hard. Disciplining your child in public is even harder.

With Bobby at the ripe old age of 2.5 years, I realise I have only just begun my disciplining journey. Like everything else in parenting, particularly with the first child, we will be muddling our way along trying to figure out what works best for our children and for our family. Because Bobby is just hitting his stride in the world of toddler meltdowns, discipline is something I am now more consciously aware of, both in my own practises and in those of the people around me.

What I am realising is that the way we discipline is very personal. Our practices are influenced by a number of factors, not least of which is the way we were brought up ourselves. Before having kids I had a fairly set view of how I would discipline my children, I would be firm but fair. I would not give in to their whining. I would not stand for rude or offensive behaviour. I would not be opposed to the odd smack on the bottom. I would be in control! Of course the reality is somewhat different. The reality is a messy, ever-changing, try-my-best, well-that-wasn’t-very-effective work in progress. And it’s hard!

It’s really difficult to know if we are doing it right. Am I being too hard on him? Too soft? Does he understand what he’s done wrong? Is that helping him to learn? What would work better? How can I make him be more gentle? What do other people think of what I’m doing?

I have experience in managing behaviour in the classroom, but managing my own kids is a whole different ball game! I was feeling a bit lost with it all and I didn’t like having no game-plan (probably the teacher in me). I felt like I was spending too much time saying ‘no’ – no hitting, no throwing, you can’t touch that, stop annoying your brother – it was all completely reactive and honestly just not very effective. I was going against everything I had learned as a teacher and it felt yuck. Bobby was increasingly looking for my attention in any way he could get it and I was getting increasingly frustrated at both of us. It was time to channel my inner nerd and do some reading about how to be a more positive, more proactive leader to my little people. So I did some research, because as I said, I’m a nerd. I read lots of things – Raising Children Network, Jo Frost books etc, all of which were quite good. Then I stumbled upon Janet Lansbury’s Facebook page. I felt like I had found my people!

Janet Lansbury is a parenting teacher and lecturer whose philosophy revolves around gentle discipline with strong leadership. She is not permissive but places a lot of emphasis on trusting your child and communicating with them respectfully. She believes children are whole people who need positive guidance without being shamed for their age-appropriate emotions. I’ve got to say that initially I thought it was all a bit too ‘softly softly’ for my liking, but now, well I love her. She has opened my eyes to a whole new world of accepting my toddler’s meltdowns and strong feelings without trying to stop them. When the tantrum storm is a-brewin’ I just have to let him feel those feels and be there for him. Let it out son, let it out!

After reading some of her Facebook posts and deciding her way of disciplining suited my family, I ordered her book ‘No Bad Kids’. It’s a very easy read and has honestly helped me to feel more relaxed and self-assured in my dealings with the big emotions of toddlerhood.

I don’t follow all of her ideas, for example she doesn’t believe in ‘time out’ while I am still finding the need to use it (mainly when Bobby has hurt Sid before I have a chance to stop him) but I can see where she is coming from. Every challenging student I have worked with has responded much better to ‘time in’ rather than ‘time out’. A lot of her ideas resonate with me though, a big one being that we shouldn’t force infant children to say sorry (something I have previously done with Bobby many times, and still find myself doing). Lansbury believes, and I agree, that forcing insincere apologies just enforces the idea that we can do anything we like as long as we say sorry at the end. She encourages honesty and role-modelling, so for example, if Bobby hurts another child and I am feeling sorry about that – I should be the one to say it. ‘I’m so sorry that Bobby hurt you, he shouldn’t have done that, I’m going to take him away so that you can feel safe.’ That idea obviously goes against traditional disciplining techniques, and might come across as soft to other people, but I guess it’s about developing real empathy rather than insincere apologies. I’m yet to test it out in public for fear of looking like a parenting pushover, but it’s being practised at home with good results – Bobby often wants to apologise on his own or wants to cuddle to put things right.

I know I have so (so, so, so) much to experience and learn on my parenting journey. I am flying by the seat of my pants and I am definitely a big subscriber to ‘never say never’, there’s no use backing ourselves into a corner trying to be the unattainable perfect parent. But I guess the idea of this blog is to capture my thoughts and experiences as they happen so I just thought I’d share where I’m at in case someone else is feeling a little lost with their wonderful ball of emotion.

Janet Lansbury is a great resource if you’re after a gentle but assertive way to discipline infants. She’s practical and insightful, and though I don’t necessarily agree with all of her ideas, she has provided me with some great tools for parenting my little bull.

And if this all sounds like new-age mumbo jumbo, that’s fair enough, you probably have a way that works much better for you! Disciplining small kids is hard (and I am positive it only gets harder…big kids, big problems and all that) and I truly believe there is no ‘right’ way to do it, just the right way for your family. Even as partners in parenting, Ash and I have our different ways of managing behaviour, and I think that’s healthy for children to experience. When Bobby is at his grandparents, or child care, or a friend’s house, I expect him to behave by their rules. And so long as they’re respectful, which they all are, they can discipline him how they see fit. That’s how the world works and he needs to get used to it.

So let’s make a deal, whether you’re a yeller or a softly spoken hisser, if we see each other disciplining in public, there will be no judgement. Just a smile of understanding and reassuring nod that disciplining kids is bloody hard – and we won’t really know if we’ve done a good job until…I dunno, maybe when they’re 18?

I’m always interested in your thoughts, so if you have any recommendations or experiences please feel free to share!

Eliza xx