Some little people seem to be very good at getting lost in their own imaginations and playing independently for long periods of time. Until recently, Bobby was not that sort of child. He is my little shadow and finds great comfort in following me around, never allowing me to get out of his sight. Most of the time it’s not a problem, we are as thick as thieves, but having another person – no matter how beloved – yapping at your ankles all day every day can become a little overwhelming. Throw a baby in the mix and frustration levels can peak before morning tea time, I’m not proud to admit it.

I really felt that both of us would benefit from a little more independent play. Me, so that I could get a bit of housework done, have ten minutes down time, and maybe even read the paper occasionally. Him, so that he could enjoy the amazing world of his imagination and become less reliant on adults to stimulate and entertain him. It was time to teach him the skill of self-directed play. But how?

Telling him to ‘go and play by yourself’ was about as offensive to him as telling him he couldn’t have any more food for the day. It led to tears and a genuinely heartbroken face that would always make me crumble. So I’d plonk myself down on the floor with him and we’d build a tower for the three minutes it would take for him to get bored before moving on to the next activity. I love my son, love him to the depths of this Earth, but it was mind-numbing and very clearly not that engaging for him. There must be another way I thought.

So I would set him up with something he loves, like playdough, I’d play with him for a few minutes then tell him I was just going to do a job (something exciting like unpack the dishwasher), he would last about a minute on his own before again begging for me to return and “please play with me Mummy”. Mother’s Guilt is a horrendous thing and oh how those words would taunt me. My darling boy wants me to play with him, how can I be such a bad mother and not meet such a basic request? So again, I’d plonk myself down and end up directing the play because that’s what Bobby thought playing with him meant: me leading the game or construction.

I was wearing myself out trying to keep a toddler entertained all day, along with satisfying the needs of a baby who was beginning to want more attention himself. I wasn’t sure what to do. Should I buy more toys? I knew the answer was no, he had plenty. Do I just accept that my child is one that needs constant attention? Again, I knew the answer was no, otherwise the mothers of those lovely big Catholic families would never have survived!

And that’s when I came to the realisation that I needed to lose the guilt. I didn’t need to feel guilty because my intentions for him were completely pure and valid. It is not my job as a mother to play with and entertain my child all day. That’s actually not my job. What a revelation!

My job, as I see it, is to love my children endlessly and unconditionally, play with them often, nurture them with good food, and, guide them in the ways of the world from the safety of a happy home. An important part of that guidance is fostering an independent spirit who is able to think creatively for themselves. That is actually an important part of my job.

Guilt be gone!

I would love to say this revelation came to me through my own self-talk but it was actually through the wisdom of Janet Lansbury, an infant educator who I have mentioned in a previous blog post. She believes children are born with the intrinsic skill of self-directed play and we kind of hammer it out of them by our constant need to chuck toys their way (she puts it in nicer terms but that’s the general gist).

After reading Lansbury’s advice I felt like I had better tools in my parenting kit to help both Bobby and I start a different play relationship. You can read her post here but the basics of it are outlined below.

1.  You have to give your child plenty of authentic one-on-one (or with your other children) time. When you’re playing with them you are really with them, no distractions.

2.  When you do play with them, let them be the directors. This was really hard for me at first! I was used to being the one to lead the storyline or the building of a tower. I had to restrain myself from talking as much and just sit with him. He didn’t like it at first because he was used to me helping him with the ideas, so I started asking questions like ‘What are you going to do next?’ or ‘Where are the trucks going?’ Open-ended stuff so he had to think for himself.

3.  Don’t tell them what to do. Toddlers do not like being told to do anything, so it’s best not to give them an opportunity to say no! If I had a job to do (for example clean up the breakfast mess) and Bobby was desperate for attention I would explain what I was doing and tell him he could either watch me (or sometimes help) or he could choose something to do himself. For a start he would also choose to watch/help me, which was fine.

4.  Stay strong, don’t buy into the guilt. Sometimes when I’m doing a job, Bobby will whinge and want me to play, so as per Lansbury’s advice I say something like ‘You’re having a hard time letting me do my job. You want me to play with you but I need to get this finished. It’ll take me ten minutes and then I’ll be with you.’ Soon enough he finds his own toys, or random household objects, and he goes off playing happily on his own. Listening to his little voice while he is playing is honestly like music to my ears!

It started with little bursts of independent play but now he is flourishing and I have found a whole new level of love for him as I listen to his imaginary games and make-believe stories. I’m sure it’s a combination, both of him growing up a bit more, and learning that he has the capability of entertaining himself, but we have both certainly found fresh joy in each other’s company.

I still play with him loads every day, and I hope this post hasn’t come across as though I don’t like playing with him because I absolutely do! I just think he’s learning a wonderful skill and I am able to get a few more things done, meaning I can actually sit down during nap times and have a bit of time out.

I also hope this post doesn’t sound like I’ve got everything sorted because I absolutely do not! Rest assured we still have plenty of whiney toddler/baby moments but that’s completely normal and I’m happily going with it.

Anyway, this might have been of no interest or benefit to you, particularly if you already knew a lot of this and have an independent little player. But if your little one is a bit like mine it might offer some reassurance or ideas.

Always interested in your thoughts and experiences!

Eliza xx