Feelings. For a long time I thought there were certain things I shouldn’t feel, or at least shouldn’t admit to feeling. The obvious ones are okay: happiness, excitement, love, even sadness and anger are easily labelled. We’re pretty comfortable with them, we learnt to name them from a very early age and if we were lucky, we had positive experiences that allowed us to process them in a healthy way. Though for some of us that might be a work in progress.

But it’s those smaller ugly feelings, the gnawers, that I think can be harder to admit. Feelings like jealousy, boredom, disappointment, frustration and worry can sit like a bubbling stew, simmering away inside our stomach. They feel hot and burny each time we think of them, so we just don’t think of them, or at least we try not to. We push them down, we scrape them to the side of our brain, we think of something else. We give ourselves a little pep talk, we tell ourselves to stop being so ridiculous. We emit the emotion as something else, anger perhaps, or maybe impatience with our loved ones. Why do the kids need to be told the same thing over and over again? Can’t the husband ever think to put a load of washing on? Everyday one percenters, that we would normally resolve with ease, become ammunition that we fire out like a sergeant attacking the enemy. Those at the other end dive for cover, or stare back like a deer in the headlights wondering where this angry road train came from.

I am no psychologist, no sirree, I’m as mad as the next woman. But as I raise these little people, who are constantly trying to negotiate their big, overwhelming feelings, I am learning a few things. I am learning that it’s really important for me to help them understand their feelings, to put a name to them. Of equal importance though, is letting them know that their feelings are normal and their feelings are okay. It is okay to feel jealous that your friend has the cool toy. It is okay to feel angry that your brother wrecked your train track. It is okay to feel frustrated that I’m dressing you when all you want to do is play. It is okay to feel bored.

It is okay to feel anything. Feelings are free, we do not control them. We know that it’s how we respond to our feelings that matters most. So we teach our kids different strategies for managing those big ugly feelings (a constant battle in this household!!).

We teach our kids that it’s okay to feel, but I’m not so sure we’re as generous with ourselves.

We are adults. We live a privileged life in a beautiful country. We have a wonderful family who we love endlessly. We are healthy. We have nothing to complain about.

And yet, the feeling comes.

For me the feelings were boredom and frustration. It has taken me a long time to admit those feelings to myself because of the immediate guilt that follows. How can I be so bloody ungrateful for the amazing life I live that I feel bored and frustrated? What is wrong with me? I love my children and my family as much as any other person in the entire universe. I cherish these days of babyhood and love and mess and tears and hugs so, so much. I don’t want these days to go away.

And yet, the feeling comes.

So here is the thing, the moment I told myself to ‘get real’ and actually admit what I was feeling, was the moment things started to get better. Because by admitting I was bored I was able to say ‘Well Eliza, what are you gonna do about it?’

What are you gonna do about it?

I am in charge of my life. I am the one who makes the difference. There is a saying ‘If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.’ I’m doing a little bit of both.

I’m back working a bit. I’m back reading books whenever I get a chance. I’m back taking the boys for big adventure walks. I’m recognising the feeling and jumping in the car to take the boys for a drive somewhere new. I’m writing different bits and pieces when I get a chance. I’m playing netball again.

And I’m embracing this season more, with my fresh perspective of ‘what are you gonna do about it?’. If I’m feeling bored, I do something about it. I don’t want to be skulking these precious days away.

I think sometimes we feel ashamed to own our feelings because there is so much horror and hardship around the world. But if we own up to our feelings we are more likely to do something about them. If we do something about them we become happier, and happier people contribute more to their families and their communities. We do better when we feel better.

Lastnight Ash and I watched Insight on SBS, it was about professional athletes and the depression that often follows their retirement from elite level sport. We had a discussion about how he will feel when he winds up his footballing career, which is obviously not at the elite level, but still plays a huge role in his life. It would be easy to say ‘it’s just football’, there are obviously bigger problems in the world. But that won’t help, the feelings of loss and disappointment will still come. We’ll be better off admitting those feelings and then coming up with some ideas on how to manage it.

If you’ve got an ugly little feeling lurking there, I hope you don’t diminish it by comparing it to other people’s problems. I hope you let yourself feel it. Maybe then you’ll be able to say to yourself ‘what am I gonna do about it?’ 

And if you’re partner is the one being an angry road train it might be worth the question, ‘Are you okay? Is something else bothering you?’

If you can name it, you can tame it.

Eliza xx